Traffic makes or breaks our days. Most of us spend a relatively big chunk of time stuck in it, just going about our day-to-day activities. So as frequent road users of the Klang Valley, we often get stuck in just about enough traffic to make plenty of observations.
Thus, we’ve profiled the 12 of the most common types of driver behaviour you’ll typically find on the roads and highways of Kuala Lumpur (and the surrounding Selangor districts, of course), illustrated by our very own incredibly talented digital designer.
So, have you encountered any of these?
1) Light Utilisers
These drivers know their cars come with plenty of accessories, and make full use of them, most particularly their lights. They’re very easy to spot: you’ll find them in panic mode with their hazard lights blinking furiously away when it’s raining, and it doesn’t matter if it’s raining heavily or not. At night, you can spot them from far away because they’re probably driving behind you – blinding you – with their high beam in full force. And in the daytime… yup, you guessed it: day lights!
2) The “Chicken” player
The one who plays “Chicken” on the road. Balls of steel. You usually encounter this driver in your direct vicinity (you may sometimes be a passenger in one of these cars). The “Chicken” Player only brakes, turns off and changes lanes at the very last second. They are usually the cause of phantom jams… and heart attacks. They may sometimes be the cause of collisions that you only have yourself to blame for, because you’re the one who swerved in order to avoid The “Chicken” Player.
3) The Express Entry
The Express Entry are the entitled individuals on the road. Their time is important, because they simply do not just sit in traffic like everybody else. No, they usually take pleasure in cutting to the front of long queues, because queuing up is simply beneath them. The Express Entry can often be found speeding past you on the emergency lane in heavy traffic.
4) Stationary Hazards
Probably the most frequently cursed people on the road, Stationary Hazards tend to anger people, mostly when they’re not in their cars. This breed is quite diverse, but share the tendency to park like general a**holes on the road. There is the breed that is derived from the Express Entry, who park in convenient “OKU” spots when they’re really fully able-bodied; the breed that double park, are hard of hearing, and leave no contact number behind; and the “senget” parking breed, who also happen to not be very good at colouring within the lines.
5) The Bulldozers
Closely related to The “Chicken” Player, Bulldozers swerve effortlessly in and out of traffic, or simply pressure other drivers off the road. These are the breed you can never rely on to give you way on the road. They have, however, forgotten how to use their brakes, and are often very confident that no other small vehicle would dare step in their way. The Bulldozers usually comprise vehicles of the bigger variety… but then again, you know what they say about men who drive big cars…
6) Small Balls
The ultimate candidates for anger management. This type of drivers not only get really, really unreasonably angry with just about anyone on the road; they take cold, hard revenge too. This mostly happens when you overtake them on the road, or if you happen to honk or flash them for doing something dangerous, like nearly crashing into you.
7) The Magnet
Champions at tailgating, even when there’s nowhere else for you to move. When you do move to give them way, they immediately swoop behind the next car. There is a special way to attract The Magnet: just use your indicator light to try to cut in front of them, and before you know it they’re charging towards where you want to go. The Magnets have special wizard-like powers, very similar to that of Gandalf; in traffic, they make the extra effort NOT to let you pass.
8) The Serial Braker
Serial Brakers, usually found driving directly in front of you, test your patience… and your brakes. Their frequency of braking averages on one or two brake-tapping exercises every five seconds. This is how their thought process generally goes: “A car 100m in front of me? Brake! A car beside me? Brake! A car on the emergency lane up ahead? Brake! A car on the opposite lane? Brake! Taylor Swift on the radio? Brake!”
9) Panic Attack-Prone
The Panic Attack-Prone may sometimes be mistaken for The Magnet, or the Serial Braker except that they’re mostly stuck behind lorries, busses or slow vehicles, or sometimes even road dividers, simply because don’t know how to change lanes. You may be inclined to help out the Panic Attack-Prone when you see one on the road by slowing down to give them way, but unfortunately, this does not always give them the courage to cut in front of you. In such cases, you may just move on, and wish them well.
10) The Road Hog
The Road Hog is generally a person who’s content with their lives, without a care in the world. They are also very strong-willed, because just about nothing can make them budge. They usually comprise drivers of smaller cars who feel that they’re going really, really fast; or other general vehicle drivers who are just SO delighted that the road in front of them seems SO clear today (news flash: that’s because all the traffic is building up behind them). Could also sometimes be the victorious Panic Attack-Prone, who finally managed to overtake that tractor, and is now on the fast lane. They worked hard to get to this position, so they’re sure as hell not budging.
11) The Horse Blinders
Born with blinders at either side of their eyes (that are invisible to less gifted people) the Horse Blinders can only see what’s in front of them. That said, they never look around them before changing lanes (and they tend to be the swervy types too). All the mirrors on their vehicles are in really good shape as they are hardly used, and have been accepted by the Horse Blinder as strange accessories to their cars. All that exists, in their world, are the windscreen and the road in front of them.
12) The Multi-Tasker
Talented and efficient at getting stuff done, the Multi-Tasker only lacks in one area: paying attention on the road. Sure, you can rely on this breed to always text back promptly, but on the road, the Multi-Tasker is quite the hazard. Sometimes combining the attributes of the Road Hog and the Horse Blinder, the Multi-Tasker can often be found on the road, pissing everyone else off while they’re chatting happily away on their phone, texting, eating, drinking, dancing, or doing whatever the heck they feel like doing.
Illustrated by Chong Yi Suen.
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